One thing I know about fear is that when I let it stop me, it has a lasting impact. I remember the times I let fear hold me back. They are the fuel that propels me.
Like when I was in the 12th grade and Mrs. B., my high school art teacher, felt she had taught me all she could about painting and figure drawing. She was passionate about supporting my creativity and suggested I sign up for a class at Syracuse University to learn how to draw live models. On the first day of class there was a model sitting in the middle of a circle. We sat around her holding our wooden easels covered with heavy sheets of blank white paper, sticks of charcoal in our ready hands. There was no teacher. No instructions. I froze. I had no idea where to start.
I turned to the young woman sitting next to me, “What do I do?” I asked. She pulled her board away from me and hissed, “Do your own work!” I was stunned. I don’t even remember what happened next. I’m pretty sure that was my last figure drawing class. When I graduated high school later that year I majored in psychology. I stopped drawing. Every time I think of that story and how afraid I was to do it wrong, to make a mistake, I feel such regret. This is my pledge to myself: to never again let the fear of not being good enough stop me from doing what I love.
Three Rules for doing what scares you:
1. It has to be scary to YOU. It doesn’t matter if no one else on the planet thinks it’s scary. For it to be your life-changing experience, you need to feel that butterfly-in-your-stomach feeling, that hesitation before leaping. Because once you make that leap, it’s incredibly freeing – I did something I was scared of, I pushed my edges, I faced fear head on and did it anyway. And, oh yeah, I didn’t die!
2. Once you commit to jump off the cliff, you need to jump! No hedging. Embrace the experience fully. You can’t embark on this scary thing and drag your feet the whole time, whining. Either you do it or you don’t. I was feeling anxious packing for the my trip into the Australian Outback to work with an Aboriginal Healer. I was almost in a panic before going to San Quentin prison. I was physically nauseous driving to the woods for a solo three-day vision quest. But once I arrived at my destination, I fully embraced the experience. I took all the setbacks in stride, I didn’t use them as an opportunity to say “See, I knew this was a bad idea, I should never have even done this in the first place!” Every setback on the journey is part of the learning experience.
3. Be willing to be imperfect. Doing what scares you doesn’t mean doing it perfectly right out of the gate. It means experimenting, being willing to be a beginner and make mistakes and actually learn something. It means being more committed to your own growth than feeling comfortable. And it takes lots of practice. The other day my niece showed me her violin and I said, “Ugh, I failed violin.” “Shut up,” she said. (She’s 9). “You just didn’t try hard enough.” She’s right. When I was learning violin, I just wanted to play and sound amazing. When I studied piano I didn’t want to practice scales, I wanted to play Jazz riffs. When I took gymnastics I wanted to be Nadia Comaneci. I didn’t want to have to spend years learning how to do these things. But that’s what it takes to be good – practicing, experimenting, trying things out, and being really bad before you can be good.
What fears are holding you back? Where do you let your fear of not being good enough stop you from starting?
Fabulous, Laura. I can especially resonate with the “you need to jump” reality. I can see the cliff, build my house on its edge, and even do some landscaping. It’s the jumping, the letting go, the falling into the expanse that I resist.
I’m definitely taking the leap. Wheeeeee!
Yes! The leap. But the landscaping is so lovely… but the leap!
This is so spot on, Laura! What’s fascinating to me is that I can be remarkably brave in taking the leap with some things – BIG things – quitting my job, moving to another country! – and yet the little leaps – like submitting a guest post to a big-time blog – scare the hell out of me.
As I read through your points again something started to take shape. Maybe it’s that something BIG can never be perfect, can never be controlled – so you might as well go for it! While the littler things, we still somehow think we *can* wait until they’re perfect. What do you think?
I was JUST Thinking this VERY thing Amy, we are so on the same page it’s scary. I was just thinking, how is that I can launch myself (as you did) to live in South America, to quit my Wall Street job, to dance around a fire until dawn, but to hit the send button on this blog post terrifies me…. love your reflection!
Great thoughts, Laura!! If we never leave our safe place, we will never grow and what a boring life that would be. Thanks for reminding me.
Happy to remind you Connie.
Beautiful Laura! you hit the nail on the head. If we don’t get out of our comfort zone, there is no growth. I too moved to another country – at 25 years old – with a wooden spoon in hand and opened a bakery. It did not even feel like a risk and now I hesitate to make a phone call or put something out that might be criticized. Who cares? That is the ultimate freedom -not caring. And courage is not the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and facing it anyway. Glad we are all in it together.
Carmel, I LOVE that line:
And courage is not the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and facing it anyway. Words to truly live by!
You are a beautiful writer Laura, I love this:
“This is my pledge to myself: to never again let the fear of not being good enough stop me from doing what I love.” To growing luminous wings as we ride the winds of life! Thank you.
Thank you Marjory. Lovely to see you here and you are a beautiful writer too, can’t wait to “see” more of you!
I got a giant wave of fear on Monday. It presented as a bit-off-more-than-you-can-chew-and-started-out-tired-anyway fear. So, I thought–hmmm, BigLeapAlert!! WhooopWhooop! And immediately, one of my newer acquaintances popped into mind. I thought, hmm, she’d be a great Big Leap sidekick–isn’t invested, good head on shoulders, knows how to listen/gauge bullshit. So, I asked her:
call me and talk for 20 mins
5 mins max whingeing about being afraid
5 mins max listing very specific things that could happen (and that actually matter–for example big-fat-belly-flops don’t matter, they are uncontrollable and inevitable)
5 mins reflection and clarification
5 mins idea listing and making one.single.commitment or dropping the whole idea like a hot potato.
Trying it on Friday. Will let you know how it goes. (remind me. i might be scared to say.:))
I LOVE the BigLeap Dyana! And I constantly see where I bump into my UpperLimit! I Iove your 20 minute outline, I think I will steal it for my coaching calls! (may I?). I want to hear how it went!
ahhhhhhh yes… Fear. The new ally. Your piece speaks directly to me in THIS moment… both to the fears I have just navigated through and now the ones that loom ahead!
Who knew that entering into this new land would be THIS challenging? this demanding? requiring the stuffffff of deep character? I saw it and heard it in the stories of Marie Forleo, Danielle LaPorte, Chris Guillibeau… the new heros. Thankfully, they had the map, because without that I would not be here… not yet.
And… your stories… they are a map as well. As is this post. Enter in and fully embrace the moment. It is so much like performance… all the trepidation and energy beforehand and then stepping into THE moment.. .and just BEING. Fully. Present. I just LOVE that!
I am now smitten by your stories! and am going to wend my way through these many journeys you have been on. LOVE your adventurer seeking bodysoul! I feel a kinship with you! xo
Kathleen you are like, my biggest fan here! I love your comments! And I am so happy to have you on the journey with me! Welcome aboard, and let me tell you (and myself) you ain’t seen nothin’ yet, this girl has just gotten started!
Great post! While all obvious when it is pointed out to us, it is amazing what barriers we place in our own way to limit ourselves from reaching our potential. You and the Lake team have helped, and continue to help, many of us break down those barriers. Great job. Thanks
Rob thank you so much for reading my blog and commenting. It means more than you can know. It is not easy to gracefully blend these worlds I walk with Learning as Leadership, so I am always honored when someone migrates over from one to the other! I appreciate your comments and am happy to be supporting you and your team to break down those barriers. You all did tremendous work last week!
I love looking at fear through this lens, Laura. Being willing to experiment, to not be perfect. I have spent so much time and energy trying to do things perfectly. There is freedom in the words “good enough” and I suspect I’ll be practicing this concept for a very long time. I look forward to hearing more about your journey. I find myself wanting to sit with you in the woods and ask you what that was like. I want to know what you learned from the Aboriginal Healer. Your words are rich. Keep ’em coming. . .
Oh Sue Ann. I want to see it in the woods with you too! Let’s make sure to make that happen, shall we? So much to talk about!
Laura! I have had this page open for two days in my browser, waiting for a a few minutes to read and savor this post, and I’m so glad I didn’t wait a moment longer. This is soooo relatable, and your points are, like, dead-on. That’s one heck of a wise 9 year-old niece ya got there! : ) So true that we have to be willing to be imperfect and to keep at our practice (whatever that may be) to see our talents unfold and become more refined.
I took (and quickly dropped) tennis lessons years ago because I didn’t want to practice the basics- I wanted to be Martina Navritalova overnight! I don’t regret dropping it though- I didn’t want it as bad as I want my entrepreneurial vision… and my guess is that’s the same for you and violin. ; )
Keep inspiring us, woman! xo
Oh Helen thanks for the reminder, I did the Tennis thing too – bad! And I agree with your point, I do put my energy into the things I am passionate about!
[…] Comments « What Are You Waiting For? Do What Scares You (Part II) […]
At lunch yesterday, I told my friend that I was conflicted about attending an upcoming event. Through conversation, I eventually realized and confessed that I was afraid to go because so much time had passed and I don’t know what to say to the person the event is honoring (although once we were quite close). Even if I appear awkard and don’t say the right things, I’m now committed to going.Thank you for your post. You help keep me centered and moving forward.
So glad JJ that the post inspired you!
And nice to see you here too! It’s been a looong time!